It sucks when there's no one to give you a hug, or a kiss on the forehead, and whisper in your ears that everything is going to be alright because they're there. It sucks when no one understands, when everything you do no matter how right you are, you're always wrong. It sucks when they say they listen but they actually don't because they really don't and at one point they'll just forget you. It sucks when no one is there to hold your hand when you fall, keep you warm when you're cold, the world is so unfair. It gives me a family that I don't belong, it gives me shelter that is as harsh as living without it, it meets me with people that I care and love but takes them away and make them leave. Yes, I am that sick and sad person. To bad all I have as a family is loneliness and nobody. As much as I would love to have Finah with me, she can't, she don't want to, or at least not now as she claimed, as much as I would like to have Hariz understand me, he don't and he can't, because he never felt like how I do. And yes, they are both the only important people in my life, because they are closer to me than my own family. But so close yet so far.

In this situation, having this kinda life, I just wish I can be ignorant or something. Maybe like Abed Nadir in the TV series Community, acted by Danny Pudi. If only I can shut my mouth and be quiet, you know, be somewhat mysterious or some sort like it, like the dark Bruce Wayne of Batman, or Snake Eyes in G.I. Joe, who has vowed not to speak a word.

Dad, I hate you too, don't worry the feeling is mutual I know. FUCK YOU DAD !!! You made my life miserable you fucker. Fuck, this fucking blog is to be continued

Life is bitter...sweet

I tried and I swear I TRIED! I have a feeling they're getting back together or at least seeing each other now. I've tried but I just can't get her out of my mind. Everywhere I go, I see her. Everyone I talk to reminds me of her. Why? I don't know why I am so concerned about her still. I can't explain why I still care. She is drifting further away from me but somehow, those dreams about her just seem to haunt me. They continue to refresh the memories and make it hard for me. My efforts just seem so useless. My bleeding wounds won't heal. Not like this. Her photographs, they're talking to me. I can hear them, her laughter, so clear in my head. Why, why can't I accept she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't even want to see me. Why do I keep thinking about her when she just wants me to go away. The real question that I really can't seem to find the reason is, why do I still love her, when she doesn't even feel anything for me anymore?

Mr. Lonely

Living in my neighborhood used to be wonderful. I'm living living in the most accessible area. Friends are just around the corner. Now, things are different. This place feels so lonesome. Lonelier than before. I don't go out that often anymore. Friends have broken up into smaller groupies and just gone. I just wish I could have a camera right now, at the very least gives me a purpose of going out and around. Anything that has art in it, I would consider. At least it would make me control my feelings, subside my anger or jealousy issues. Daydreaming has become a friend but day by day even daydreaming has let me down. Day by day people has not been truthful to me, day by day I become more angry.

Friends, that once I tend to take lightly for, has now made me feel like they are a part of me. Sometimes I wish they were a lot nearer. 3 years with them has made me realise how much they've grown into me. Not forgetting the one I hold very close to me. But he is just one and being the only one, makes me feel like I'm asking too much from him. I don't feel like talking about girls right now. Not that I'm gay but I just feel they're too much than what I bargain for. Whatever that means. I don't need an actor, I need a friend, a companion, I need someone who needs me.

I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect

From now on I shall not open my mouth unless with reason. I will not blame anyone. I will not find people's fault. I will not show concern anything that does not concern me. I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk