It sucks when there's no one to give you a hug, or a kiss on the forehead, and whisper in your ears that everything is going to be alright because they're there. It sucks when no one understands, when everything you do no matter how right you are, you're always wrong. It sucks when they say they listen but they actually don't because they really don't and at one point they'll just forget you. It sucks when no one is there to hold your hand when you fall, keep you warm when you're cold, the world is so unfair. It gives me a family that I don't belong, it gives me shelter that is as harsh as living without it, it meets me with people that I care and love but takes them away and make them leave. Yes, I am that sick and sad person. To bad all I have as a family is loneliness and nobody. As much as I would love to have Finah with me, she can't, she don't want to, or at least not now as she claimed, as much as I would like to have Hariz understand me, he don't and he can't, because he never felt like how I do. And yes, they are both the only important people in my life, because they are closer to me than my own family. But so close yet so far.

In this situation, having this kinda life, I just wish I can be ignorant or something. Maybe like Abed Nadir in the TV series Community, acted by Danny Pudi. If only I can shut my mouth and be quiet, you know, be somewhat mysterious or some sort like it, like the dark Bruce Wayne of Batman, or Snake Eyes in G.I. Joe, who has vowed not to speak a word.

Dad, I hate you too, don't worry the feeling is mutual I know. FUCK YOU DAD !!! You made my life miserable you fucker. Fuck, this fucking blog is to be continued

Life is bitter...sweet

I tried and I swear I TRIED! I have a feeling they're getting back together or at least seeing each other now. I've tried but I just can't get her out of my mind. Everywhere I go, I see her. Everyone I talk to reminds me of her. Why? I don't know why I am so concerned about her still. I can't explain why I still care. She is drifting further away from me but somehow, those dreams about her just seem to haunt me. They continue to refresh the memories and make it hard for me. My efforts just seem so useless. My bleeding wounds won't heal. Not like this. Her photographs, they're talking to me. I can hear them, her laughter, so clear in my head. Why, why can't I accept she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't even want to see me. Why do I keep thinking about her when she just wants me to go away. The real question that I really can't seem to find the reason is, why do I still love her, when she doesn't even feel anything for me anymore?

Mr. Lonely

Living in my neighborhood used to be wonderful. I'm living living in the most accessible area. Friends are just around the corner. Now, things are different. This place feels so lonesome. Lonelier than before. I don't go out that often anymore. Friends have broken up into smaller groupies and just gone. I just wish I could have a camera right now, at the very least gives me a purpose of going out and around. Anything that has art in it, I would consider. At least it would make me control my feelings, subside my anger or jealousy issues. Daydreaming has become a friend but day by day even daydreaming has let me down. Day by day people has not been truthful to me, day by day I become more angry.

Friends, that once I tend to take lightly for, has now made me feel like they are a part of me. Sometimes I wish they were a lot nearer. 3 years with them has made me realise how much they've grown into me. Not forgetting the one I hold very close to me. But he is just one and being the only one, makes me feel like I'm asking too much from him. I don't feel like talking about girls right now. Not that I'm gay but I just feel they're too much than what I bargain for. Whatever that means. I don't need an actor, I need a friend, a companion, I need someone who needs me.

I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect

From now on I shall not open my mouth unless with reason. I will not blame anyone. I will not find people's fault. I will not show concern anything that does not concern me. I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk, I shall not talk

It was fun, it was good, but it wasn't the same. I thought it was ok, but I thought wrong. She loved it but she didn't like it and I didn't know.

Things have changed. I will have to accept. Maybe the reality is I can never be in love. Maybe Love just isn't my forte. Maybe Love is something I can never have. Maybe love isn't my reality.

Goodbye love, goodbye to being loved and goodbye to all that I have loved.

Maaf

Bila aku salah
Tolong maafkanlah
Ku tak ingin membuat
Kau menangis

Aku tahu kau marah
Aku tahu kau luka
Tapi jangan paksa
‘tuk berpisah

Aku ingin selalu bersamamu
Walau senang walau kita susah

Mungkin aku salah di matamu
Mungkin aku lemah di matamu
Tapi tak pernah terpikir
Kau pergi tinggalkan aku

Bila aku salah di matamu
Bila aku lemah di matamu
Ku hanya bisa memohon
Maaf atas salahku

The pain is back !!! Fuck I hate it !!! How long it's gonna hurt this time, I don't really know. What I know is I'm gonna feel fucking shit for awhile

1409, 16'01'11

I'm stuck in this house with nothing to do. Sitting on the couch like a potato staring at the wall and the clock. Looking at it ticking away with time passing and no one to spend those ticks with. So quiet, so empty. Restraining myself from getting my hands on those junk food, there's no food to eat too though. I'm holding myself back from approaching the kitchen.

The feeling just won't go away whenever I'm alone. I keep thinking of her. It really is sad when the loneliness starts to kick in. Yeah, I know, people are moving on, blah blah, she must be going - "go get a life" like that but how to when she was my life. Haha. It's really I dunno, amazing, or shit can't find the right word, pelik? To see people moving on so fast like nothing happened. Sigh. Here I am, taking small steps, crawling rather, slowly but reluctantly, out of what once was a beautiful past. I seriously can't bring myself to leave it, let alone think about leaving those moments. What was once sweet, has now turned tasteless for some people but no matter what things happened meant something and will always remain untouchable to me though. Yeah, I admit I am sentimental and sensitive. No harm right. I am old fashioned. My definition of love and romance , care and concern is now something looked upon as outdated and eeeeeeww najis. Hhahaha yeah what to do...I hate modern love where people can just turn their backs and walk away just like that. I am, trying, always trying, waiting and always waiting, be it I am hard, be it I am annoying and be it I'm old fashioned, I will always keep my word and be honest. Truth is like an indestructible wall that will always stand strong and my truth is that I will love till that truth no longer be my truth. Figure it out yourself if you don't get it hahaha. Blueks

It's A Race !!

It was an "Amazing Race" that was a close race as there were only a few teams and all were neck to neck. One team backed out just after lunch. Guess they couldn't take the heat. This wasn't our first participation in fact it was the last as most are graduating soon. So, the best has to be put on show! Indeed it was the best, I must say. We won tops! It was the last race for us and we went in first. The taste of victory was just too pleasant, and to make it more worthy and treasured was the fact that our first race unfortunately, we got the last position. This time triumph was ours. Thanks to Muhaimin, Syukri, Asyraf, Husnul and myself. We pushed ourselves to our limit. We were running first until the half way through we were trailing due to our misdirection, but, we managed to claim our spot at the top soon after, though with 2 casualties, Asyraf and Husnul with the severe cramps. Ash was like having fits, Husnul, cripple. Claire was really motivating. A friendly rivalry with Zul's team. A job well done gentlemen !!!

However, having said that, I'm very upset that my new Paul Smith berms got torn, which I can't really explain how or why but the closest reason is trying to dodge a water bomb. Damn it was fucking new. A few days old and my first time wearing it. Shit !! Found a replacement but it was far from similar. Darn! All in all, the only thing damaged was my knees down. I survived !!!

14.01.2011

I pity my hand, it's victim to my anger issues. My knuckles broke too many times, and this time round, my wrist was affected too. Due to a fracture in the past, its more vulnerable and it took quite a hit yesterday. Now it has a wrist guard for a jacket. What a pity.

Yes I admit, I've got anger management issues, but I never hurt anyone physically, well it was very long since the last time someone got injured. Everyone gets angry now and then. I got screamed and wailed at by my best friend for keeping things to myself too much that it made me crazy and sick. For the first time, he actually asked me to let it all out and it just did. It's the first time he actually saw me like that. I feel kinda stupid though, but what he said did make sense, keeping things piling up in me just made things worse. Sigh, but too much has been put at stake that I can't seem to find a way out or start cleaning my mess up. Too many important people, too many bad situation and not many options.

I am no good. I can never make anyone happy. I can never make anyone smile. No one will ever be satisfied. I am useless. I guess maybe people are right, I am hard, I am a nuisance. No one wants to be around me. Alone in life I shall be.

Jika Engkau Pergi...

Bermulanya semua hanya dengan rasa
Ada saja yang tak kena
Rupanya kau berkasih
Menyingkir setia
Sandiwara penuh dusta

Kini ku beri satu amaran
Jangan nanti jadi cabaran
Aku ingin kau memadam kenangan
Menjadi mimpi berterbangan

Jika engkau pergi, bulan dan bintang tetap masih di langit
Jika engkau pergi, air mengalir takkan berhenti
Jangan khuatir tentang diri ku
Ku janji takkan merindui mu

Bermusim resah hadir membelai
Menyentuh hati kecewa
Janji sehidup semati
Tinggal tiada lagi
Impian hancur depan mata

Semakin terungkap kepastian
Biarlah ku rela melepaskan
Pada mu cinta cuma lah mainan
Sekadar untuk senda bersama

Puas sudah ku berikan engkau segalanya
Jalan cerita pun nyata akan berubah

Random

I really hate it when this happens, every single time. I feel like I've been duped every time somebody tells me something. Seriously, why am I surrounded with these kind of people. They don't like being treated that way but then they do it to others. If really karma exist or if really what goes around comes around, then why in the world does my good deeds get repaid with bad ones? What did I ever do(so darn bad and evil) to have people treating me this way? Shouldn't good and kind act be repaid with another act of kindness? Well I guess it really doesn't pay to be kind. I'm aware that I'm imperfect, flawed, makes mistakes but I'm only human. Boisterous and handful I can be but I never do serious damage to someone. My kindness and gentleness towards people whom I care for are always taken for granted. I'm always wrong, blamed or looked upon as the bad apple in every situation, no matter if I'm in the wrong or not. I do not like to blame others or see them get too upset from doing a mistake. I forgive people a lot but to see them taking advantage or take their mistake lightly, sometimes not even admitting they're at fault just pisses me off. If you've made a mistake, did someone wrong, made somebody upset or something, the least that can be done is apologize and make up for what you did wrong. Don't just leave it be like it didn't happen or worse, be angry at that person for being upset just 'cause you did something wrong. Hello, you're the one who's in the wrong.

So that is just how people around me are especially my dad. Never care about how I feel. It's always about them. I have to care for their feelings, they do something wrong, I have to be the one making them feel good, I have to be the punching bag, I have to be the one clearing their "good" conscious. Then who's gonna care about me, about how I feel, nobody right. I guessed so too. Never has anyone did that for me. When I'm down they'll make it seem as though my reasons to be sad or upset are petty and so little. Nobody really cared, but if it's them, they'll make it seem like it's the end of the world no matter how small the problem is. Nobody has time for me, they'll give me all sorts of reasons. But if it's them, they'll say I don't care, I don't have a heart, I give excuses, but they never realize how they made me wait, made me believe that they'll change, all bunch of lies.

I waited out in the rain, waiting patiently, happy moments play in my mind, hoping they'll ever love me, but they never did, because they never turn up whenever I'm most prepared. Like usual, my plans won't even have the chance to take off, my hard efforts will always end up in the drain or some garbage bins, my surprises will always be to myself. Worse still, they'll make it seem they're innocent, acting as if it's alright. How can I ever be appreciated if they never see my efforts, my sweat, I put my heart in everything I do but when they throw away all that I've done, they threw away my heart too, the best part is, they don't realize it. Sigh. Whatever I do, whoever I do it for, however I do it, no one will ever know.

The Reason I Loved...

There's this someone, there has always been. I once had, and then one day I lost. That fateful day was pain, dull and grey. What made it so painful because that someone is someone I love and had feelings for deeply. That love, was unconditional and real, so real that the lost was really felt. It was devastating. I tried my best, gather all the courage I had to compose myself and salvaged every bits and pieces I could but everything just fell apart. My world turned upside down. I didn't know what went wrong or the reason to be. Everywhere I turned, everything I do just doesn't seem right.

Everyday, I miss that old feeling, that old place doing that old things. I sit down at places we would sit together in the past, reminiscing everything, her laugh, her smile, her blush, her hair flowing down her shoulders. I admire her in silence every second I'm with her. I love the way she looks at me staring at her and she'd blush. I miss the way she'd chase me for annoying her. She laughs at my jokes even when they're not funny. I miss hugging her after every fight. I love her more because I can be myself when I'm with her.

She was a friend, my heart, my sky, my sunshine after my rains. I didn't hate her flaws and negativity but I understood them, it was her flaws that made her who she is, the person I loved. Everything we do, every step we took meant a lot to me. They were lights to my path in my dark little world. Every small things she did was big enough to make me fall in love again every single day. She made me want to wake up the next day so I can enjoy the same thing everyday.

Then I made a mistake, many I would say. I was never good with words, not a good sweet talker too. The things I say started to hurt her, my other problems start to mix with our small lovely world. My flaws and my personal problems start to affect the world we've been building together, the world that was almost perfect. I saw it crumble to my feet because of me. I never meant for her to get hurt, I never meant for my dirty dark life to hurt her. Everything took a turn for the worse, and now I'm left alone still holding on to that very same reason I fell in love with her. That single love. But I can't bring her back, I can't turn back neither can I move on. My only hopes and wishes, wants and prayers is for her to be happy wherever she is.

I can never really tell her enough or show her how I really feel. I seem to have lost my happiness, my cheerfulness.

Trustees

These are the brands/stores that I will frequent most including Leftfoot, the Denim Store, Zara and others. Pictures of products will be uploaded once in a while. Looking forward to purchases.

What I Need & What I Don't Have

I want a lot of things, who doesn't rite. I want so many things, but wants can be bought or owned or possessed in time and money. The question is, what I need. I need only a few things, but what I need is what I don't have, can't have and never will have. Unfortunately, I'm all alone. I used to have a few, a lil limelight out there, a lil piece of the pie of fame and stuff but all for the reasons which I harbour hatred for now. Now I'm alone. Under the shades of loneliness, far from the high-societal life out there. Everyday is just pain and agony, everyday is green of envy, everyday is fucking crap. Give me one reason that can penetrate me so deep that it leaves a fucking scar to change my perception of why I should not hate people. Every time I love someone be it my family, friends or even one bloody girl and all I get is fucking shit. Every time. Nobody can respect me enough to respect my feelings, my kindness, my thoughts. Nobody has ever loved me back so why should I love. Why? Love is too painful. Don't misunderstand me. I don't hate love or anything but I'm just talking about myself. I'm happy for those whose love are requited or reciprocated. Those who love and being loved, good for you, but I don't share what you people have.

Bardots

This is so fucking unfair. If I ask from friends or other people, they would say, "why ask them, what's the use having a family?" When I ask them, all there ever was is the word NO! So ironic and contradicting. What the fuck, and if I steal, also wrong, they would say, "why steal when all you have to do is ask!!" and what happens when I ask? All they'd say is, NO!! Sigh, why???

I have "Haji Bakhil" for a father and "accountant/lawyer" for a mother. Fuck it. What's so wrong with a little negotiation. What kinda person makes his son make out a proposal when he asks for something and then rejects the proposal. Such humiliation. FUCK !! I don't care what the fuck you guys think but let me just say FUCK !!! Fucking hell. I just fucking hate it. I feel like my house not a home just a fucking house, a fucking office, a fucking prison!!

Swing Baby Swing

Alright people, it's the second day of 2011, hows it going bros, 'hos, chix and dix. Keep it tight if it's going smooth for ya.

School starting for most of us and it's back to the drawing board, cranking up 'em brain juice and screwing 'em teachers/lecturers/educators. Well life gotta go on and take its position. Don't forget to take a break and swing 'em hips, like that yeah. Show 'em junk in your trunks babes, well if you got it then flaunt it. To the dudes, we'll show 'em how we fly, how its done.

My 2011 resolution, get 'em fucking school over and get my fucking dips. If I ain't getting that cert, damn shit I'm gonna be dippin' my ass in the boiler. I'm gonna cop 'em new jeans, most probably April 77, Comune or another Cheap Monday fer me. Grab myself a Gregory(hopefully), and some new boxers. Other than that, tops are the usual prey. Gettin' myself a pair of black Vans Old Skool. Well that's just about it. Check ya out later aite. Peace !

Happy New Year 2011

Just wanna wish all a Happy New Year welcoming 2011. May everyone be blessed with joy and happiness, success and prosperity. Enjoy people, and remember to stick to your own resolution if you have any. If not, then what the heck, do whatever you do best and be happy !!!